asha guwahati

I am certain that I do not deserve this life I have been given. I am filled with a love that is beyond my comprehension. I still get lost sometimes in the stresses of life, in the bumps in the road. Then, inevitably, I am shown again that nothing is in my control. I contemplate what is in store for me, I want to plan and I want to know what is next. Things change day to day here and as much as I sometimes miss life in California, more often than not I feel the push to let go. To truly give of myself fully because how can one actually be present, when your mind is thousands of miles away?  There are only two things I know and that is of the pure and perfect love I have been shown and the necessity of finding truth in the life I lead. I need to bend lower, to get my hands dirtier. I strive to find the face of love and truth by being the servant, not the served. No matter what happens in eight weeks or eight months, it can not stop here. I wrote an orphanage in Hyderabad, India recently called Joy Home for Children. They are an orphanage who take in children and outreach to kids that have HIV/AIDS or who have lost their parents to HIV/AIDS. I am hoping to go and visit in October and see what they are doing. HIV is a very real problem in the South of India and I have to wonder, how can I give of my time and self there?

Yet somehow, the weekend has come and as always, I feel certain that I need my time. Truthfully, it is not even my time to begin with. I am not here on my own terms, but on the terms of something greater than myself. As if to prove just this, I was sitting here writing this entry hours ago (1:30p.m. to be exact, it is now 6p.m.) I had just started writing about the realization that this life and my time is no longer mine when my phone rang. It was the cleft center, a patient came in with bleeding and they needed me to come in. I felt a twinge of frustration, but what about MY time for ME? Then I looked at the blinking cursor preceded immediately by the sentence:

Truthfully, it is not even my time to begin with.

I couldn't help the smile that crept across my face, as I heard like a soft whisper in my ear "Your life is no longer yours!"